How to Raise an A$$hole- the early years

  1. Always make your child the center of attention. Tell them continuously how beautiful, perfect, and smart they are, the center of your universe. When they continuously interrupt your adult conversations, remember what they have to say is probably much more important anyway and… they’re only little once.
  2. Advocate for them. Friend problems, teacher problems no matter what, step up and work it out for them. Let them enjoy their childhood and not deal with these types of situations. Remind your child nothing is their fault. Other kids, teachers, even society is more likely to blame.
  3. Praise, praise, and over-praise. Be sure to recognize even mediocre accomplishments. C’s on the report card? There’s nothing wrong with average grades. no sense in overworking their little minds. If they play sports, make certain each child on the team receives a trophy at the end of the season. Every child is a winner, all the time. Tell your child he is the best at everything.
  4. Artwork not in this year’s Art show? Demand an immediate meeting with the art teacher and the principal. Tell your child how much better their artwork is than every piece in the room.
  5. Homework- The amount sent home these days is ridiculous anyway and your child shouldn’t be made to suffer through it alone, so sit with them and carefully watch their expressions and body language. When you start sensing their frustrations with homework problems, offer your help. Some nights they’ll be too tired, so offer to step in and do it for them. The teacher will never know the difference.
  6. Don’t burden your children with chores. Let them spend their free time playing, not doing adult work. You want them to be happy, don’t you?
  7. When your child makes messes, always clean up for them. After all they are just little children.
  8. Talk to your child and teach them to pick out the “popular” kids early on in the school year. Make sure they do their best to fit in with that crowd. Tell them it’s ok to talk to the shy, nerdy, less popular kids, just don’t get caught.
  9. Leadership- Hear rumors your child is bullying others? Witness her being mean to others? Ignore it. You are raising a leader. The others will eventually fall into their places.
  10. Entitlement- Most importantly, teach them all about this. Your child deserves to have everything they desire. Teach them to demand it, no matter the consequences. You are their parents; you will do the hard work for them.


Living in the center of St. Augustine Florida, both a tourist and a college town, I spend much of my time observing young adults and their behaviors. I occasionally witness both college students and travelers being irresponsible, disrespectful with no regard for anyone but themselves. And while I know I’m no expert, so far I’ve raised two kind and productive male members of society and also have a 6th grade daughter who as I write this is home with a stomach ache, camped out in the bathroom with a blanket and some ginger ale (just in case she gets sick, her choice). She knows I don’t clean vomit. Her brother loves to tell the story of how when he was in 4th grade and on his own deathbed, I made him clean his own vomit from the stairs. I’m not particularly proud of that moment, but you know what? He always made it to the bathroom after his cleaning experience. It was a “tough life lesson,” as he says. Our children are what we make them. We teach them how to be, how to treat others, how to treat themselves. Life is so full of lessons every day and we should never miss the opportunity to help them learn, help steer them into becoming kind, caring adults.

P.S. My list was written tongue-in-cheek, My sometimes poor attempt at humor 🙂


Click If you want to know how to raise a Teenage A$$hole






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1 comment

  1. You go girl

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